I walk out onto the dock. Three canoes tied along the waters edge. Sun warm in the early afternoon of Indian summer while a breeze tugs playfully at my clothing. I amble out to the furthest point of the dock and sit down, taking off shoes and socks and then carefully inserting my feet into the water that laps only a foot below. Its cold and send shivers through me, but after a little splashing my toes are numb enough to stand the frigid blue. I don’t even turn to look as he sits down next to me. I know who it is. I’ve been here plenty of times before.
“Hey, Jesus.”
“Hey, precious one.” I can’t help but smile. Even after all this time, I’m not used to hear him greet me that way. Without looking I can feel him grinning. He knows. I shift a little so that I can feel his shoulder touching mine, and I relax a bit into his presence. For a time we both sit quietly and watch the sun splinter into diamonds on the surface of the lake and listen to the humming of autumn insects busy about their agendas. I think I could sit here like this for hours, except I have come here with a purpose. As I think about what is bothering me, I can feel the emotions surface and my mind tangles searching for words.
“Take your time,” he offers gently. I take a deep breath and when I feel ready I start.
“I’m frustrated,” I begin. “I have all these people in my life right now who are obligating me to drop whatever I’m doing and meet their expectations. They are so demanding and I’m really tired and overwhelmed by it. They act like I owe them something, and sometimes I guess that I do, which doesn’t help. And what thanks do I get? Nothing! I just feel like I am getting walked on, taken advantage of. Don’t I have any rights? How much is enough? They aren’t doing anything for me, why should I do something for them, except when I have to?
“Hmmm, doesn’t seem fair at all,” Jesus offered.
“It’s not!” I state a little more emphatically than I had anticipated.
“Anyone or any situation in particular bothering you right now?”
I know just what he is doing; drawing me out and into the light, but I don’t care. “Yes! At work I am supposed to do everything that is in my job description plus stuff that my supervisor adds to the pile, that I don’t have the time to do, and even if I did, it wouldn’t be possible. The whole place is just messed up and…”
He lets me ramble and rant for the next however long, and finally I run out of words and silence drops between us. Even though I don’t need to, I do feel a little foolish, as if I have said too much and spoken with emotion unsuited to the present company. I am quiet now, wondering what he will say. I don’t wait long.
“Thank you for trusting me with your emotions…you do realize that this is something rather new for you and me?”
I nod, watching the water dance while I try to anticipate his next words. He surprises me.
“I think we need to get you a pig.”
“What?” I look over at him and he’s grinning. “What do you mean, get me a pig?”
“Not just any pig,” he laughs, “You need one of those critters that can sniff out truffles under the ground. Only you need a pig that can root out all the lies you believe.”
“So, I believe a lot of lies, do I?” I am not surprised at my inner bristling when I hear something that sounds like I’ve failed to live up to some external standard. But I know that he understands; we’ve been down this road plenty of times before.
He drapes his arm over my shoulder and gives me a squeeze. “That’s an observation, not a value statement.”
“I know.” I lean into his hug to communicate that I understand. “I just don’t like all this process stuff. Don’t you have a blue or a red pill that I could take that would make me think right?” I lie back onto the dock and look up at the cloud formations breezing their way across the azure sky. He does the same, but points to the horizon where a congregation of cumulus seems to have fashioned a billowing butterfly emerging from its chrysalis.
“That’s funny,” I mutter a little sarcastically. “Did you do that?”
“Nope, but I know who did!” He pauses, and then continues. “This is a journey not a performance and this is not about the destination as much as it is about the company you keep. It is quite an intricate process…this transformation. The battle is largely in and for your mind. Lies are often like slivers in the mind that have to work their way out over time.”
“It’s the over time part that I’m not so wild about. I just want to be able to react better…properly…and now would be good.”
I can still feel him grinning, but his voice comes clear and tender. “It’s not so much about reacting properly to people and circumstances, as it is responding to and with my Spirit that lives inside of you.”
“Okay, I understand that.” I pause. “You mentioned that there are lies I believe that have me cornered?”
“Remember the process of transformation is, in part, exchanging lies for Truth. So let’s talk about something that is Truth about your concerns; Truth even though it may not appear to be.”
“Okay,” I say hesitantly, not sure if this is going to help.
“What do you think you are surrounded by? You think it is demands and expectations, grumpy people and work piling up, right? You think that people are taking advantage of you, using you and being inconsiderate and thankless?”
“I’d say that pretty much sums it up.”
“What if I told you that the Truth is that you are surrounded by gifts, and furthermore, that you are gift to all these people, often unopened, but a gift nonetheless?”
“If I didn’t know you were God, I’d think you were nuts.” At that Jesus laughs and so do I. “Seriously,” I continue, “How can any of what I told you be a gift? I need a little help here.”
“Let me put it to you this way…each of those events, demands, people, expectations…each exposes a window into your inner world revealing areas that need healing and restoration. You still believe the lie that experiencing life and being in relationship with me is about your performance. Even the person who wrongs you, or the one who places an unjust burden on you, or the one who makes you feel in their debt…any of these are a gift to you, if for no other reason than they expose what you work so hard to hide.”
“And you are saying that is a good thing?”
“Absolutely! When the crap is forced to the surface by circumstance or people or someone else’s agenda, it is a wonderful thing because…”
“You just said ‘crap’.” I interrupt.
“I know…let it go. It is a wonderful thing because now the crap can be worked on and healed. Why shouldn’t we consider the person or situation that is the catalyst, a gift?”
“They don’t deserve to be gifts.” It comes out harsh but resonates with how I feel.
“Hmm, back to deserving are we? Remember, how you feel doesn’t always tell you the Truth.”
We are quiet as I think about what he has said. My emotions are not happy about it, but I understand, and just that allows me some room to move away from the weight of what I had been lost inside.
“I understand now how these can be considered gifts…”
“Can be embraced as gifts.” He is pushing me, but it’s okay.
“Alright, embraced as gifts, but you said that I was a gift to them? And you said I was mostly unopened?”
“Exactly!” I turned a little surprised at the note of excitement in his voice. “Here is the fun part. If you want, you and I can turn a debt, an obligation, a demand into something unexpected…into a gift.”
“I can?”
“No, we can.”
“How exactly?” I ask, now intrigued.
“Remember when I told the disciples that if a soldier demanded that they carry a pack for a mile, to go ahead and carry it two?”
“Sure, but I always thought you would be smarter if you just avoided the soldiers in the first place.”
“And miss out on the fun? Are you kidding me? Just think, what do you imagine that conversation was like the second mile?” He winked. “Do you want to know?”
I was stunned. “You mean… you?” I stammered.
“Of course! Do you think I ever asked anyone to do something that I had not? That second mile he told me all about his family, especially his new baby. He told me how hard it was here and about his disappointment with the political situation. I actually walked with him almost four more miles before we said goodbye. We did not part as enemies and even if we had, what I had done would have made no sense to him and would have pestered his conscience. Such is the power of love. It can disarm anything or at least bring important questions to the surface whether openly acknowledged or not.”
“I had no idea.”
Jesus reached out and lifted my face to his. “You want to know the coolest part?”
“Please.”
“Years later, when his servant was deathly ill, he came and found me and asked me to heal. But he wouldn’t let me walk one step to do it. He knew I had already done all the walking that was needed.”
Now I couldn’t talk as the tears began rolling down my face. He reached and gently wiped them. “Precious one, you are surrounded by gifts. Allow others to open you into their lives. I promise…it will be worth it.”
